Liver n’ Cheese – a joke and beyond (How to talk to a Chinese in English)

[The joke]:
There were these three guys at a cafe, drinking their coffee - an American guy, a black guy, and a Chinese guy.

They see a really attractive waitress and comment on her good looks. Next thing you know they start making bets on who can get her to go out with them first. The waitress overhears them, and she goes up to them and says, "Hey, I heard you talking about me. Well, I like an intelligent guy, so let's see who can make the best sentence using the words 'liver' and 'cheese'."

So the American guy goes, "That's easy. I love liver and I hate cheese." The waitress shakes her heard in disgust.

The black guy goes, "Well, I hate liver and I love cheese." The waitress says, "That is so stupid. That's essentially the same thing!"

Then the Chinese guy steps up and puts his arm around the waitress' waist. "Liver alone, cheese mine!"

[Gooroo's advice]: Didn’t get it? Read aloud the catch line and you’ll know what the Chinese guy was really saying.

Admit it, we all have accent when speaking English. Yet, Chinese have a unique style of accent, largely due to their mother tongue. The numerous dialects in China only make the situation worse: you may have been used to a type of accent, Cantonese for instance, but frustrated by the English spoken by a guy who comes from Beijing or Shanghai. Well, don't feel so bad, because even themselves, the ones from the three cities, can hardly understand each other if they all speak their own dialects.

What makes things really worse is they brought with them the Chinese grammar when speaking English, and that's where the most confusion and frustration comes from. My advice is simple:

1. Attitude is everything. Give up your pride of being a native English speaker (trust me, a lot of people do have such pride) and be humble, be patient. Typically, as an important part of China’s culture, Chinese people are humble enough to dislike any cocky jerks. You would literally shut yourself to further conversation if you somehow show your meaningless pride. After all, you want to understand them and be understood well if you really want to do business or make friends with Chinese.
   
   Still cannot put your pride down? Think about this: they can speak your language, can you speak theirs?
   
   Don’t impress, but bless.
   
2. Slow down. You are used to speak English at a “normal” speed, which could be too fast to the ones who pick up English as their second language. Remember, confused mind always says “No”. When you are fast, they get lost. The more you babble in such a speed, the more anxious and frustrated they become. When you slow down with breaks (minimum 3 seconds when you finish your talk), you are really giving the others more time to organize their wording in a better mood.
   
3. Relax. Keep smile in your face, and never get fidget. By doing that, you show your respect to the people you talk to, and ease their nervousness (yes, they know they are not speaking good English and they are nervous about it). It takes only 13 facial muscles to smile but 30 to frown. Why not smile? Simply say: “Sorry, I didn’t quite understand what you said just now. Would you say it again?” with smile in your face, when you are lost in the conversation. Very likely, they’ll apologize for their crappy English, and they’ll love to say it again, usually in an easier way.
   
4. No slang. Even for those Chinese who have lived in English speaking countries for years, they might not know all the slang you use everyday. I know it’s hard for you to live without it. It’s almost like the air you breathe in and out. Just try your best to speak plain simple English when you find the person you talk to is not at the “native” level. Instead of “bang on the buck”, simply say “return on investment”. Instead of “It drives me nuts” or “I go ape-shit”, try “It drives me crazy” or “I become very angry”. So much so on. Otherwise, you may really drive them nuts.
   
   Believe it or not, many Chinese immigrants to North America, scoring over 700 in GMAT or 2000 in GRE, own more vocabulary than you do. But the problem is they all learned English in a bookish way, knowing the meaning of each word but not knowing how to apply them to everyday life. By talking to them patiently, you actually help them adapt to the local environment while improving your communication skills. Win-win.
   
5. Rephrase. Don’t assume (I don’t have to tell you what ASSUME stands for). A great way to clarify what they are saying is rephrasing in clear and simple English back to them. This technique works extremely well whenever there’s an important point to make. The fact is that many of them, although don’t speak fluent English, can understand you quite well unless some slang or jargons strike them in the middle.
   
6. Use body language. This is almost spontaneous. Typically, westerners are better than easterners at this point. Take advantage of your strengths, and use body language to help express yourself. It’s really fun, and they will appreciate it. To your surprise, westerners and easterners use different body languages, in some cases, to express the same thing. Ask a Chinese how they mimic taking a shower, and show him/her how you do it. I bet you both will laugh.

As a growing number of Chinese study and live in English speaking countries or do international businesses, you’ll find a lot more of them speaking fluent, sometimes close-to-native, English. Be careful though. Sometimes, you feel so relaxed talking to them that you forgot they are not native. You throw lots of jokes or something heavily related to the western culture into the conversation, and then you see some reluctant chuckles or even blank face before you realize you are overdone.

Don’t get me wrong. Chinese do have sense of humor, but in a different way in many aspects. It’s very subtle and it varies region by region (of China). Often they laugh at your catch line not because they appreciate the humor, but they understand why it’s funny to you. In other words, they sometimes laugh to show you some friendliness. Language jokes, many related to slang, are typically difficult for them to "get it". As for the western culture, especially about music and arts and sports, don’t expect them to pick up the knowledge and sense overnight. Ditto to their English.

Stay humble, stay patient.